“If you love me don’t let go. Hold on, hold on, hold on to me.. because I’m a little unsteady.”

KJ is gone. I lost him. Literally. No breaking up was required. Like “Bye Felicia” “Adios” “Sayonara” “Deuces”.   I knew something was wrong when he couldn’t remember having sex with me (see previous post), but I didn’t know it was that bad.  For my mental health, it’s for the best.  For my heart, it sucks.

I saw him Thursday and we talked and made up from Wednesday. He was normal.  We had fun, even though he was working. He chilled with my kids. After realizing I had feelings for him, I wanted to see if I could help him overcome what he needs to overcome.   We made plans for Friday, and for the first time, I was the one to say “I love you.”

Friday night comes and he doesn’t show.  I look on our schedule app for work and notice he’s no longer listed as an employee.  I have no way of getting in touch with him since he broke his phone so I called a coworker. She informed me that he came to work so strung out that it was dangerous.  He ended up walking out of work and going to a town about an hour away from us, to one of our other restaurant locations, where he proceeded to get more fucked up and kicked out.  He’s worked for our chain for over ten years, so I knew it was something major.  Everyone is concerned. His mom doesn’t know where he is. HIs roommate says he didn’t see him for a day and a half. I dropped by his place last night. I went to every bar I know he goes to. He’s nowhere.  He’s such a creature of habit that he never goes anywhere different.  I don’t have a good feeling.

He’s gone. And it is out of my control.  Even if he comes back, he still has to be gone for me. I can’t go through this again with someone I love. Addiction is a beast that love or sex cannot conquer. I feel like KJ has been dangling over the railing of a bridge and I’ve been holding his hand feeling his hand slip through mine, but at the same time, he’s trying to send me over with him.

With CS, I was heartbroken, I cared about him a lot. Loved talking to him and spending time with him, but I wasn’t in love with him, and he didn’t need me. I cried and cried and cried when he broke up with me.  I haven’t cried yet for KJ. I’m numb and protecting my heart, because when it finally hits me, it’s going to break me for awhile, there’s no crying for three days and getting over it. I had to sleep on the couch last night because I”m so accustomed to him on Fridays going to sleep with him curled up behind me, beard nuzzling the back of my neck, and hand on my boob. I actually had to wrap my arms around myself for comfort.  When I woke up, I had to stare at the ceiling and realize I don’t know if he’s alive or dead or safe.  And hear his voice in my head telling me just five days ago “I’m damaged babe. I love you but don’t do this to yourself”, before making love to me like he never had.

It’s so funny how life works. When I started posting about KJ and we were just having the best sex of our lives.  And then me not telling him I’m ready when he asked.  And then figuring out I have feelings for him by hooking up with someone else. And then him disappearing after I told him I loved him. There’s no closure to be had on this one. He’s gone.

 

 

“You’re never gonna grow up. You’re never gonna be a man. Peter Pan.”

This day is full of surprises. First of all, big shout out to CS.  Who would’ve thought that after all that,  he would be the guy friend I vent to about KJ? Second, I discovered that I’ve been in denial.  I’ve been able to talk to CS without any of the hurt surfacing. That is one of the things that proves to me what I’ve been pushing away. I’ve got feelings for KJ.  Just in time to get over him. Because he’s toxic for me. And a leopard doesn’t change his spots.  And a tiger can’t change his stripes. And Walruses still have big dicks. (Nothing to do with KJ, just a fun and random fact.)

I completely acted like I was in high school yesterday. I saw KJ flirting with a co-worker (that he claimed he fucked to another co-worker but I think that’s talking shit, she wouldn’t give him the time of day for that tho), and I lost my shit.  He also couldn’t remember that he fucked me on Monday, which a guy friend told me I need to get over, that when you’re having sex with someone almost every damn day, the days run together.  I shut him out all night at work. (CS used to tell me that shutting down was my biggest problem. Ironically, it didn’t hit me until we broke up and I’m with someone else that I realized he’s right).

KJ came in to our bar a little late and I decided to be friendly but he looked at me and said “I’m not in the mood for this bullshit Ellie.”  I bought him a beer (a good one, we ain’t talking PBR tallboys), and he complained that it was the wrong size. I bought him a shot and told him to chill and have a good time.  He told me he didn’t want to deal with me. So I did the immature thing and sought attention elsewhere.

TY is someone I’ve met a few times at our afterwork bar. Stanford graduate. Tall, smart, handsome, funny, successful. I was talking to him before KJ got there. But when KJ ignored me, I did the immature thing and went into full flirt mode.  KJ, already angry, slammed down his beer and left.  I had a pseudo hookup with TY out of anger.

I’ve regressed from partying like a college girl to playing high school games.  KJ brings out the worst in me.  He never grew up. I can see my mistakes,  I own my mistakes, and I know that this person I”m becoming isn’t me. I have to start working on myself.  And that means letting KJ go.  If only I didn’t have to see him at work. As CS told me, I knew better than to shit where I eat. (Hey, that’s kinda literal since I work in the restaurant biz.)

“Hurt so good. C’mon baby, make it hurt so good. Sometimes love don’t feel like it should, you make it hurt so good.”

Dammit…. men have it so fucking easy. Met KJ for a quick drink after work (which of course turned into a quickie. More on that in a few), and two hours later, I was crying as I was peeing.  And then I went into a rage because I swore I had something that Ajax wouldn’t take off.

It’s a urinary tract infection (thank god), and one that comes from the term “honeymoon cystitis”, and it’s from having lots and lots of sex with a new partner.  I’m going to rename mine “thot-itis”, since I can’t really consider KJ a “partner”.  KJ is also the first guy I’ve been having sex with that I haven’t used condoms with in over a year, hence my paranoia.   Looking back, we both probably should have done the STI testing BEFORE agreeing to become monogamous sex buddies.  (He offhandedly mentioned last night that he wants me to know that he’s not a cheater. See why I’m so darn confused?) It’s never too late though so I’ve got an appointment just to ease my mind at the end of the week.

There’s a reason for my paranoia. Since I started the online dating thing, I get checked regularly.  I’ve never even had HPV (which is like the common cold of STDs, errybody gets it at least once almost). I hooked up with a guy, NK, a couple of times last year without using a condom.  It just sorted faded out. Then a few months later, we reconnected on Bumble. He did the niceties first, the hellos and how ya doins, before sending me a picture.  It was a picture of a cream that I discovered upon googling, was meant for genital warts. After sending me the pic, he immediately unmatched me. I wasn’t sure if he was accusing me of giving him the virus or telling me he had it. Either way I was freaked out. I ended up testing clean.  Ironically, he contacted me asking to get together about three weeks ago, which I ignored.

So here I sit in pain from having too much sex. Who woulda thunk? Hopefully the antibiotics kick in soon, or I’ve got a feeling with KJ that my ass and mouth are gonna be really sore…..

 

“I need your body in ways that you don’t understand. Because I’m losing my patience. We’ve been going over and over again.”

I’m still fucking KJ. Like really fucking KJ. Like almost every day.  As in, we see each other on my lunch break from my regular job and have sex, and sometimes again that same night after I’m off from the other job.  It’s messy (the situation not the sex) and exhilarating and of course, toxic.

With CS, it was a different type of chemistry. We had extreme chemistry but there was also a mental connection. With KJ, it’s just pure animal attraction.  He’s hot and charming and just watching him interact with customers is enough for me to know that I’m going to have to have him that night.   I can’t even say KJ and I are friends with benefits or fuck buddies. Our relationship, or rather lack of one, is comprised of fucking and fighting. CS used to tell me that I’m emotionally distant.  KJ says the same, as he’s an open book but he does not know a lot about me yet.

We spent our first night together last weekend. I took him to my other regular Friday night bar (which I swore I’d never take another guy, but since we’re not together I assumed it was okay).  TM was there from out of town and I told him to come on as I wanted to see him.  I talked to him and KJ made the scene of “you’re not my girl, you’re not my property, go for it if you want.”  The night wore on and KJ got more and more jealous. We got into it of course. Then went to the parking lot and had amazing make up sex.  We decided to spend the night together and he whispered in my ear “I think I’m ready” as we were falling asleep. I didn’t respond and he made the comment that there was his answer on how I felt.

After my no answer, he was standoffish the next day and night. Made snide comments. Yet we still had sex. It was the same on Sunday. After so much togetherness, I was grateful for a break on Monday, but it gave me too much time to think.  Tuesday came and we went to our after work bar at 5. We had a LOT of liquor. By 10 PM, we were screaming at each other across the patio. I was crying. I called him an egotistical asshole. He told me to stop acting like a crazy bitch. Which in turn, caused me to act like a crazy bitch and my coworker had to carry me outside.  KJ told me all I was to him was an easy fuck.   I told him at least I was good for other things too.  By 1 AM, we were holding hands and he was telling me to chill, he loved me.  I’ve never had a screaming altercation in a bar before. I was so embarrassed that I never wanted to return.

Last night, I brought my boys to my restaurant.  This was the second time he’d met them but it warmed my heart after coming back from the bathroom and see him sitting in the booth with them showing them magic tricks.  He nuzzles me with his beard as I’m leaving, and tells me to meet him at 6PM tonight. I’m nervous to see if he remembers or shows. This is the first time we’ve ever made plans without it being spontaneous…….

This is an extreme roller coaster ride.  Dangerous, and damn it’s fun.  Except this ride comes with no seatbelts. And no rules.