Blue eyes. Over 6 ft tall. Beard. Possesses the ability to give amazing orgasms. Nope, I’m not describing some sort of superhero. I’m describing the last two (non-family) important men in my life, both KJ and CS. This is where the similarities end. I really shouldn’t be making comparisons between the two as relationships I had with CS and my current relationship with KJ is vastly different. But I can’t help it.
The main reason is probably that CS is back in my life, by text, on a daily basis. We’re friends with a tiny bit of flirtiness, and we know where the line is. Of course if I’m going to be honest with myself, there are times when I’d still love to hear his voice, as it probably remains my favorite voice to listen to.
CS matches my wit better than KJ. KJ matches me better emotionally. But there’s no such thing as a Build-A-Bro workshop in a mall. KJ is truly a male version of me, while CS balanced me. I’m not trying to “decide” between the two as that decision has already been made. I know who I am with and want to be with. Maybe with the friendship with CS, I’ve got the best of both worlds now.
I’ve always had two theories, one of which I have disproven to myself. The first is that there really is no such things as friends with benefits. I’m sticking to that. Usually one person catches feelings and the other doesn’t. Or, in my case, after months of swearing we didn’t want a relationship, KJ and I fell for each other. The other theory that I’ve disproven is that exes can’t be friends. I do still have a slight emotional attachment to CS, but at the same time like where we are now. And if I’m being super honest, there are times when I really miss him and would love to see him again. But don’t know if that would be wise.
Totally unrelated to the post but it’s a big deal so I had to include. Congrats to my man, my KJ, of thirty days of sobriety today. I’m so proud of him, and I can still see when he struggles. For example, we went to a huge event with two other couples last week with 40,000 people, who were openly walking down the street drinking. He was shaking thirty minutes in but refused to leave because it was something I wanted to do. Little did he understand that his well being is way more important to me than being at any event, Our relationship has its ups and downs. It’s not easy. But he’s truly killing this sobriety thing.
“If you go out tonight and get drunk and lonely, please don’t call me” Brett Young sings this perfect song for us chicas that always reach out to the guy that’s safe. The one that’s seen you at your ugliest. The one that’s always come to your rescue. And frankly, the one that deep down in your heart you know you’re using to make yourself feel better.
I’ll refer to him as MH. We dated three years. Broke up five months ago. That breakup is what catapulted me into online dating. The beginning of that relationship had tears and drama and all the stuff I seem to love. (To quote my mama: You ain’t happy unless you got something going on and if you don’t have any drama going on you create it Ellie.) He and I are like fire and ice. He’s an introvert and enjoys higher class things. I am outgoing and wild and irresponsible. Marley, the person I’m closest to in the world, told me weekly to get my shit together, men aren’t worth all that. Then six months in he fell in love with me. The then passion became let’s create Princess Ellie. He spoiled me rotten. Anything I wanted I got. He came to my rescue numerous times from my car breaking down to a drunken night at the strip club when I wanted to come home at 4 AM. He’s everything most women would die to have.
We lost the passion. Or else I did. Getting my way all the time was boring. So I broke up with him with the “it’s not me, it’s you” excuse. He is still completely in love with me. We text almost daily. Is hunting for that elusive spark better than being with someone that you love but are not “in love with” in that movie way? I think so. I’m the type of person that needs to feel the toes curl kind of feeling, not the comfortable love. I need my heart to race from something other than the millions of grams of caffeine I consume daily.
I feel selfish for keeping MH in my life. He’s my safe place. I often contemplate going back because it is familiar. My bff Marley says ” If you do, you’ll cheat on him because you need passion.” Lorna says “If you do you’re settling, don’t cheat yourself.” But I am selfish. I do drunk text him after a bad date so I know there is someone out there that finds me irresistible.
He does deserve better. One day I’ll be strong enough to let him go completely. And he will finally get over me and find the one that he can grow old with, that likes IPAs and golden retrievers, that enjoys $200 dinners, that can discuss fine china with his mom. (Give me beer and tequila shots, mutts, and chick fil a, and informal cookouts). I will probably be invited to his wedding and in that moment will have my regrettable moment.
Today’s lesson is lyrics from the same song ” If you’re going to break my heart, just break it. Have Mercy”