I started this blog because I was having fun. I was confident. I was hot. I was living my best life. The tone has changed the past few months. It’s become something real. My therapy. My diary. Of course, I have the insecurity of my readers thinking I’m some emo nutcase lately. But it’s real life. It’s my life.
I’ve been anonymous so I don’t often go into details about who I really am, but it’s time to share that. I don’t mean my name or identifiers, but what makes me.. well, me. I’m a mom of three boys and dogs. I’m in my early 40s. I lost my great job almost three years ago, which led to me working both jobs just to make ends meet.
In self-reflecting, I’m beginning to evaluate and wonder how I went from stability to working 80 hours a week and crying on the bathroom floor over a raging alcoholic bartender who’s treating me like I’m dog shit that he stepped in. I’m living my life on auto-pilot. The joy has gone out of my green eyes and I can barely fake it. In my prior life, I was surrounded by a posse of friends that I could turn to in any moment. In this second half of my life, my friends are 20 somethings who have no idea what I’ve gone through and the main person I text is my ex who also upgraded me and is replying to me out of pity.
I’ve been teetering on the edge of exhaustion and sadness the past 9 months. Then all it took was Hurricane KJ to come through and finally destroy me. But this time I have no one to help me pick up the debris that is my heart torn in pieces. This is the first time I’ve felt alone with pain. I don’t like myself like this. I feel like a whiner and that’s not me. The real me is like the old Animaniacs, “tiny, toony, and a little lot of loony.”
I want to do like everyone tells me. I want to just focus on something else. I want to just move on. I want to be one of those strong women that say fuck it, and let it roll. Mornings are the worst. I dream about him at night but sleep is a respite. Then when I wake up to no missed calls and texts, I feel like I’m being punched in the heart and then gut. KJ is constantly and obsessively running through my head like a movie reel. And I can’t force myself to think of anything else no matter how hard I try. Because this movie was cut off before the ending. The not knowing what happened is so unfair. It’s been a week since our breakup. And no word. I need to know how the movie ends, even if its not a happy ending, just so I can get started with the sequel.