“Choose the words that cut like a razor, and all I’ll say is Fire Away. Take your best shot, show me what you’ve got. Honey, I’m not afraid.”

The phone is not ringing constantly. I’m not getting any texts.  My heart hurts. I’ve had to rely on lots of introspection the past 48 hours and realize how much I liked being the savior, and how co-dependent both of us are. It’s been two weeks since my last post because I haven’t had time to breathe, So let me catch my followers up.

KJ is my boyfriend. We FINALLY were forced to confirm our relationship status in front of our friends who were tired of our denial that we are just fucking.  Actually, he called me his girlfriend. And I proceeded to get blackout drunk, and my friend told me that I looked like I was about to have a panic attack. In a weird twist, it was in that drunkenness that I knew he could overcome his own demon with alcohol. He cared about me enough to stop drinking and take care of me, to make sure I was safe since he’d never seen me drunk enough to be carried out of the bar.

KJ is my boyfriend and an alcoholic.  He’s recently hit rock bottom the past couple of weeks.  He’s also turned from alcoholic to raging alcoholic. One that lost his new job. One that got so insecure that he felt the need to be where I am all the time, or at least reachable every hour.  One that started insisting on going through my phone when he was drinking, (I said no), and started insisting I go through his.  And I was okay with this, because if he was with me, he was safe. And he’s the hottest guy I’ve ever been with so it made me feel good. (All his exes are trouble, but a lot hotter than I.) Then I wouldn’t hear from him some nights after we parted, and the first thing I would do was check the county jail shots.

KJ is my boyfriend, an alcoholic, and my best friend. I had a family emergency come up that required an 8 hour drive one way out of state.  The first thing he said is “I’m not letting you go through this alone Ellie. Let’s go.”  I told him I couldn’t deal with his addiction. He told me to give him a chance.  We hit the road, he had a beer to keep the shakes away but stayed sober. We sang at the top of our lungs. We played road trip games. I gave him a hand job going down the interstate. We talked about different things, nothing serious. He calls his mom, tells her he’s with his girl.  I tended to my family emergency, got back to the hotel room where he’d ordered in my favorite Italian food from a local spot.  He had about three beers (which is sober for him). We watched a movie. Made love about four times. Because of the minimal alcohol, he started withdrawing but it was okay.  We made love a couple of more times (completely sober) the next morning and began the long, heart wrenching drive home. I’d done research on alcoholics that were detoxing but I have never experienced it .  He started talking government conspiracy theories. Yelled at me (for the first time ever) that I needed to suck it up because I knew what I was getting into. I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time we got home.  He, however, agreed that he needed a long inpatient stay. We talked to a couple of addiction counselors and got advice. (Go figure, I was advised to let him buy alcohol until he got admitted, sudden cold turkey can cause death).

KJ is my boyfriend, my best friend, an alcoholic, and my heart.  We saw each other the next couple of nights. He warned me that he may push me away because he knows he will say things to hurt me while he’s in rehab. He also mentioned that if I cheat, he’d find out about it and he will honestly be worried about that.  He gathered my information a few days ago so I could be his contact person, and I haven’t heard from him since.  I know he’s there, I called the hospital. His mom has talked to him. But he hasn’t called me.   I’m trying not to overthink. Did he get sober and not want me anymore? Is he protecting me? Or the most likely scenario, he doesn’t have my phone number memorized.  (They take your phone immediately in the hospital). All I have is two missed calls from him right before he went in that I couldn’t answer because I was in a meeting.  The hospital says that he only gets one fifteen minute visit per week, but I need his “code” to see him, which I can’t get unless I talk to him.  I feel selfish for worrying about our relationship status. And happy at the same time that he’s doing this for himself, but also partly for me.

But I”m terrified. I’ve stuck it out this long and will continue, and am sure the next thirty days will become my new normal. Until then, all I can do is keep busy.

“Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.”

Lying on my right side, a hand on my boob, beard nuzzling the back of my neck. Then just two days after, the voicemail saying “Ellie, this is fucked up, how you treat me. You’re dead. I”m done. I don’t give a shit”  because I didn’t answer the phone after 18 missed calls. The conflicting emotions of both detachment and being crazy about him.  Yep, KJ is back. He’s been back for about a week but I’ve been processing so much the words wouldn’t come for the blog. I’ve also worked on this post for a week, but the highs and lows have me constantly changing themes, so I’ve decided just to go straight with what’s happening.

Rewind to eight days ago, when I get a number from a phone number that I don’t recognize.  Then a voicemail that I listened to ten times, because I had resigned myself to the fact that he was gone, and it was for the best. “Ellie, it’s KJ. This is my new number. Hit me up. Need to talk to you.”  He sounded well. Told me he’d moved back in with his mom (about forty minutes away from me) temporarily while he straightens up. He got a job at a really nice restaurant. He wants to meet me in two days and is willing to drive my way to talk.

I see him. He tells me he wants an actual date, more than just hanging out at the bar, getting drunk, and fucking.  He sounds better than he has in weeks. We actually begin texting throughout the day and talking on the phone at night. Discuss how things might work since we no longer work or live near each other.  Agree to take turns making the trip.

Friday night comes and we both have to work at our jobs. The plan was for me to come to him (and meet his mom possibly…eeek), and have a drink with his new work friend. I got off later than expected but still made the drive. I talked myself into ending it all the way there. And then of course I saw him,  We had the best time and the best conversation ever. He tells me how he went out a few nights prior and met a 21 year old girl with big boobs who gave him her number, and how he could have fucked her that night, but instead he went outside and called me (he did in fact, call me five times that night while he was out). He told me he realized that she might be a lot younger, and for that-could be technically considered hotter, but she wasn’t me.  She wouldn’t be as good in bed. Or as smart as me. Or as witty. Or as fun. I fall into these words, as the past two years anyone I’ve grown to care about has always passed me up for someone “better”. For once, I have a super hot guy that thinks I’m out of his league.  He again accuses me of being closed off and tells me that’s not fair to him when he’s such an open book.

*Kiss*

“My favorite color is royal blue”

“Blue is my favorite color”

*Kiss*

“My favorite show of all time is Dexter.”

“I threw the remote after watching the last episode I was so invested.”

*Kiss*

“Virgo”

“Pisces”

It was a chick flick kinda scene. Complete with the funniest sex I’ve ever had. (Story for later but it has to do with KJ almost suffocating in an Easter basket.

We talk on the phone Saturday. He’s supposed to come my way on Sunday. I’m working (he knows this) and my phone begins ringing at about 5 PM. After thirteen missed calls, I pick up.

“Hello?”

“Where are you?”

“Work”

“Are you sure?”

“uh, yeah. Pretty sure.”

“You’re not at work.  Don’t even fuck with me Ellie”.

I hang up. My heart drops. He sounded so out of it. I receive a voicemail that says “I can’t believe you are fucking doing this to me, knowing what I’m going through. You’re dead to me. I’m done. I don’t even give a shit anymore.”  The funny thing is, I didn’t even react. I was expecting it.  He calls back at around 10:30 sober, didn’t even remember leaving the voicemail. As all addicts are, he was extremely remorseful.

Monday night, he surprised me by showing up at our usual bar before I got off work.  We had no drama. He was himself. It was the first time we really acted like a couple. He played pool, I hung out with my friends. We’d pass each other and give each other a kiss on the lips and an “I love you”.  These young girls were talking to him, so he’d put his arm around me and give me a kiss on the forehead for reassurance that he’s not interested in them.  He makes the comment that he can look at my boobs all he wants because they’re now his.  We kiss a lot. He tells me he wants to chill now with our life. He wants to cuddle on the couch and watch Dexter and eat pizza, just be a couple. (I never agreed that we are a couple but everyone else calls us that so I guess I’m going with the flow.)

Last night, he sends me a text that literally says “Ksssneds%%” . Sinking feeling is back. I say huh? He says “where are you?” I say “home”.  He responds “good, I like to hear that.” He follows up ten minutes later with another “where are you?”, in which I say “wtf? see above. I’m home.”.  He calls, and I ignore. I get another scary, slurry voicemail “Baby, call me. Please. Thank you.” I ignore it and text him that we’d talk the next day, That we need to talk.

The highs and lows are a new level of chaos. What’s screwed up is that I was upset that he didn’t keep calling over and over, because at least I know he’s safe when he does that, as annoying as it it.  Everyone knows that he’s dragging me down too. I’m mentally exhausted from the worrying and actually physically exhausted from the constant sex. Who knew I’d ever say that? I know I’ll be ready to reach the point soon where I’ll be ready to give up on him. I just feel I’m the only one left in his corner. But at what do we stop sacrificing  ourselves by being a good human being and helping someone toxic? I can’t go through what I did by losing my best friend, someone I love to addiction again. If I would have tried harder, it could have been different. So how can I give up on KJ?

 

“If you love me don’t let go. Hold on, hold on, hold on to me.. because I’m a little unsteady.”

KJ is gone. I lost him. Literally. No breaking up was required. Like “Bye Felicia” “Adios” “Sayonara” “Deuces”.   I knew something was wrong when he couldn’t remember having sex with me (see previous post), but I didn’t know it was that bad.  For my mental health, it’s for the best.  For my heart, it sucks.

I saw him Thursday and we talked and made up from Wednesday. He was normal.  We had fun, even though he was working. He chilled with my kids. After realizing I had feelings for him, I wanted to see if I could help him overcome what he needs to overcome.   We made plans for Friday, and for the first time, I was the one to say “I love you.”

Friday night comes and he doesn’t show.  I look on our schedule app for work and notice he’s no longer listed as an employee.  I have no way of getting in touch with him since he broke his phone so I called a coworker. She informed me that he came to work so strung out that it was dangerous.  He ended up walking out of work and going to a town about an hour away from us, to one of our other restaurant locations, where he proceeded to get more fucked up and kicked out.  He’s worked for our chain for over ten years, so I knew it was something major.  Everyone is concerned. His mom doesn’t know where he is. HIs roommate says he didn’t see him for a day and a half. I dropped by his place last night. I went to every bar I know he goes to. He’s nowhere.  He’s such a creature of habit that he never goes anywhere different.  I don’t have a good feeling.

He’s gone. And it is out of my control.  Even if he comes back, he still has to be gone for me. I can’t go through this again with someone I love. Addiction is a beast that love or sex cannot conquer. I feel like KJ has been dangling over the railing of a bridge and I’ve been holding his hand feeling his hand slip through mine, but at the same time, he’s trying to send me over with him.

With CS, I was heartbroken, I cared about him a lot. Loved talking to him and spending time with him, but I wasn’t in love with him, and he didn’t need me. I cried and cried and cried when he broke up with me.  I haven’t cried yet for KJ. I’m numb and protecting my heart, because when it finally hits me, it’s going to break me for awhile, there’s no crying for three days and getting over it. I had to sleep on the couch last night because I”m so accustomed to him on Fridays going to sleep with him curled up behind me, beard nuzzling the back of my neck, and hand on my boob. I actually had to wrap my arms around myself for comfort.  When I woke up, I had to stare at the ceiling and realize I don’t know if he’s alive or dead or safe.  And hear his voice in my head telling me just five days ago “I’m damaged babe. I love you but don’t do this to yourself”, before making love to me like he never had.

It’s so funny how life works. When I started posting about KJ and we were just having the best sex of our lives.  And then me not telling him I’m ready when he asked.  And then figuring out I have feelings for him by hooking up with someone else. And then him disappearing after I told him I loved him. There’s no closure to be had on this one. He’s gone.

 

 

“Woke up this morning, smiled at the rising sun, three little birds, upon my doorstep. Singing a sweet song, a melody pure and true, singing this is my message to you”

It was hard going back to my bar last night. That was the last place I was with CS. And I knew I’d have to endure the questions of “where’s your guy?”  (To which I replied, “Probably with the chick he dumped me for”. No one really asked anything further after that.) But I’m so glad I ripped off the band-aid and went. Because it turned out to be the reset I needed.

DJ is a regular there who I’ve known for about a year. He was just cool to hang out with. One hundred percent not my type. See, I go for typical tall, bearded, hot douche bag types. He’s at the most cute, and short. But he travels to at least four different countries every year, by himself, and is interesting to talk to.  This past summer, I was down in the dumps and kinda hanging out on the bar patio. When I talked to him about it, he said, “Let’s get your mind off things let me paint you a picture” He pulled up a chair and put his arm around me and told me to close my eyes. When I opened them, he told me to look at the moon, which was bright and clear that night. He said “That’s the same moon that people in the Greek Islands see at night. So picture this, it’s our first date, we are on a blanket with wine and a picnic looking at that moon. That’s what you deserve.” He gave me a quick kiss and I unfortunately did not feel that elusive spark I’m always chasing. Later on that night, I showed him my tattoo, which is in memorial to my best friend who died last year. That tattoo depicts three birds, which is from the Bob Marley song. I told him how whenever I was just having a really shitty time, she’d always sing that to me.

Fast forward to the following weekend from that summer night. I was to meet a Tinder date at my usual bar. It was boring, we did make out a little, but I didn’t go home with him and was relieved to see him leave. I sauntered over to DJ and all our friends, and we began to take shots of Patron. Everyone left except for DJ and me. We had a conversation that has always stuck with me, and little does he know, still affects me. DJ told me “I think you’re beautiful. But I’m not attracted to you. You are in here every week thinking you could get any guy in the bar, and tonight when you didn’t, you came to seek attention from me.  So no Ellie, I don’t want you, and I know you, that’s going to be the only reason you’d want someone like me. It’s not attractive that you crave attention so much, you just go wherever you think you can get it, instead of just trying to be happy, and it doesn’t matter how you make the other person feel.”  I cried. And cried. And took an uber home and passed out on my couch fully clothed and puked all night. I had a message from him the next morning apologizing for being so harsh, which I didn’t acknowledge, but I did realize he was right. I was that terrible and shallow. I wasn’t attracted to him, but I did like that he wanted me, and I encouraged it out of loneliness.

Now here we are six months later. I’ve seen DJ at the bar multiple times but have made sure not to say anything but a quick hello. Every time I brought a Tinder date in, I’d feel bad, and when I brought CS, he’s the only regular I did not introduce him to.  All that changed last night. He came in last night after I’d been drinking a bit, and so had he at another bar. He was telling me about how he was just not happy and troubles at work. I told him about getting my heart broken and being sick over the entire holiday. He said “know what? Let’s just have fun and make a pact not to think about anything else. Let’s be spontaneous.” He paid our tabs (I actually hate that he always pays) and headed to another bar where we met a whole set of new friends. He kept disappearing, and I finally figured out where he was going. The DJ booth. he said “I have a surprise for you.”   At the end of the night, after I’d forgotten about that… I hear over the speakers “Don’t worry, about a thing.. cuz every little thing.. is gonna be alright”   DJ then told me “I think this is the perfect song when you’re having a crappy time.  And according to your tattoo, and what you told me, this is the song that always makes you smile.” Whooooaaahhhh….. he remembered that from our first ‘pretend’ date to the Greek islands.  My eyes filled with tears. He said “bar is closing, tired yet?”. I replied no, and he suggested we go back to his place.  When we got there, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I didn’t know if I felt chemistry for anything to happen, but he was super sweet. I needn’t worry.  He got out his massive CD collection he’s had since college, and put on 90’s country. These were old mix CD’s so we had no clue what we were about to hear.  We used the remotes as microphones and sang George Strait’s “check Yes or No” loudly and badly. We took off our shoes and I tried to teach him how to do the Boot Scoot to Brooks and Dunn’s “Boot Scootin Boogie”.   Before I knew it, it was almost 4 AM, and I knew I needed to get home.   He walked me out, simply hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and said “I don’t know if this makes sense but thank you. All the bad crap I felt earlier is gone. And I just had a good time, and wanted to focus on impressing you.” I smiled and said “I’m glad DJ. Good night”  I texted him when I got home to let let him know I made it safe and that I had an amazing night.  He texted back that he had a great time too.

Now, I don’t think that this will go anywhere. And I honestly don’t know if he still likes me. But it did renew my confidence that was so recently shattered.  He had fun hanging out with me. Just me. Not for my body. and thought enough of me to remember something I told him months ago, and use it to make me feel better even after I hurt him.  Romance and chivalry is not dead. Sometimes it just exists where you overlook it.

“It’s different for girls, when their hearts get broke. They can’t tape it back together, with a whiskey and coke “

Post break up day 2: I miss him. And I hate myself for that. He was the one person besides those I live with that I talked to or at least communicated with for three months straight. Not a day went by without something. I feel pathetic to still be obsessing over the question of why wasn’t I enough? So I send multiple texts to Tandy every time I feel the urge to text him. And she reminds me why I shouldn’t.

So this post is about the song. It truly is different for girls when their hearts get broke. I have two date potentials from my past , and one super cute guy seven years my junior. First is BJ. BJ I actually truly dated off and on for about nine months. Him and I had great potential. The chemistry was strong , it was the lasting type of chemistry though. The comfortable, familiar kind. Not the all consuming chemistry that burns you up on the inside that I had with CS. In other words, not the kind that gets you addicted , rather the kind that makes you feel safe. He’d cook for me. We’d watch football together. Sex was great. One time I even showed up at his door in nothing but football socks, a thong, his favorite NFL team jersey, and an overcoat.The timing was just always off with BJ and me. And the fact that at the time I had a huge Ambien addiction, and he refused to deal with it as he was a recovering Xanax addict. Upon finding out I’m on the market again, he jumped right on it. He wanted to see me last night, but I couldn’t, and he’s been pressuring me ever since to give him a day.

Next is young cop. He’s young, hot, and I’d had a really good time with him previously. I rematched with him and we began to talk. He asked me to dinner before his shift last night but I had to decline. Tandy even said “wtf is wrong with you? Look at him Ellie”

I matched with MS yesterday. He’s a bit younger. Also super cute. Trying to flirt but my flirtation button that I’ve possessed since I was a toddler seems to have broken.

“A guy goes how with his friends and he might hook up” But I can’t . And I want nothing more than to do that . Again, I don’t think it’s him that’s holding me back but just the fact I can’t get over the feeling of being duped. And I don’t have the closure I seek and will never get. So my question remains , do I just shave and wax and just go fuck MS? See if the old adage is true that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? The last three months were pretend to him, how do I get there?

PS: does anyone know where I can just purchase one of those neuralyzer thingies they had in Men in Black? Just erase all memories.

“Wherever you are honey, I’ll Pray For You”

Breakup-Day 2. Once the hurt starts to subside, you start to see things more realistically.  I’ve found all the little things I missed.  On our last date, he disappeared a lot. It’s obvious now that he was texting someone else.  (I may have called him out on this in a codeine haze last night.) This was the same thing CS did with me.  Yet, still proceeded to fuck me on the hood of his car and tell me how we were going to spend the night together the next week. And sing the line from his favorite song in my ear “I can’t let you go.”

Seeing things in hindsight eases me missing him by almost 100 percent. Sometimes anger is the stage to be in.  As a female, we want closure, and answers we are never going to get.  I’ll never get the apology I want, he will never see fault. I’ll never get the answer of why he kept the ruse going.  Worst of all, I won’t know why he chose to come to my bar for our last date, knowing he was ending things. It’s just cruel.

So back on Tinder. Sure I’m on the rebound and it’s probably not a good idea to jump right back in, but there’d be no blog or broken heart if I made good choices. So far the most promising is a cop.  My heart isn’t in it because I’m scared of everything currently, but I’m going to try.

I’ve been listening to this song all day. I’d never wish major harm on CS but a flower pot falling on his head is fun to imagine.

“This is a modern fairy tale, no happy ending… no wind in our sails…But I cant imagine a life without breathless moments…”

As we know, I center my blog around music. I scroll through YouTube and listen to lyrics to find the perfect fit for how I’m feeling as I write. I’ve now discovered that when it comes to heartbreak, unrequited love, or complicated relationships, there’s a whole litany of choices.  But I found THE perfect one. So proud of myself. Never has a song described anything so perfectly.  (And here I was thinking Ed Sheerhan or Adele would do it.) So thanks Selena Gomez.

CS and I are in a complicated situation. We’re not really friends, or friends with benefits (we’ve had sex a total of once in almost three months) and can’t be in a traditional relationship. I guess this is the new term situationship.  And it’s hard. No way, no how do you EVER fall in love with someone you’re in a situationship with.  But I could. And even worse, I told him.  (Well, I told him I WOULD fall in love with him before the situationship was over ) To steal from Michael Scott (the Office) who stole from Wayne Gretzky (I know he was a great hockey player but I’m a southern girl so that’s really all I can say about that), “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”   Don’t apply that in a situationship. Miss the shot. On purpose. Because if not, you’re going to wind up feeling like that puck full on hit you on the face.

CS mentioned to me today that in the beginning, I was fine with things. He’s right. I was. I’m still fine knowing that our situationship is a day to day thing and as he says “we’re not going to ride off in the sunset together”.  But even though no future is desired or expected, I did want things a little more relationship-y than a situationship could ever have. The good morning text. The good night text.  The ten minutes to talk when I feel like my life is falling apart.   But we do talk on the phone almost every weekday. And share things that a situationship wouldn’t normally.  He says I’m his girl. That he’s my guy.  I didn’t think I’d ever connect with someone again on this level both mentally and physically.  And I’m in a panic mode. Because I took the shot.  And in my head, I let us get relationship like. And I was shown that in his head it is situationship instead. He kept it where it always has been. Where it is going to stay. Now I’m embarrassed, and running.

That’s the thing about whirlwind romances. It’s exciting. It’s intoxicating. It’s a high. It’s a quick connection. And then you fall. Without having the time to catch your breath to see if you can handle it. Then you start to argue because you haven’t gotten used to how things are going to be. And the more you argue, the more the passion seems to be your norm. Until you realize you’re not having the fun that the situationship was set out to be. Is simply living like there’s no tomorrow going to work? When the thought of never kissing that person again makes your heart break.  When there’s no future, how do you determine if it’s worth saving? Because the heart truly does want what it wants, and I want nothing more to see this through until it’s natural end. I just don’t know how.