“He’s just trash” “Fuck him” “You deserve so much more” “You just need to move on”

While all the above is probably true from well meaning friends, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.  Your person is no longer your person. Especially as co-dependent as KJ and I were. He was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I am addicted to him. I know I broke up with him. I know it was for the best. But he was gone days before I put it into words. And it was a toxic love. Oh so toxic.  I’m damaged now.  I wish I could just move on like everyone is telling me to.

I woke up to three missed calls from KJ’s mom.  He’d disappeared with her car yesterday, and she needed it for work this morning. That confirmed my suspicions that he’d been drinking again. She thought he was with me (apparently she didn’t know we broke up three days ago).  He was always so cautious with letting his mom know where he was and to make sure she had her car for work.  I confessed to her that I think he relapsed.  He finally returned home this afternoon. She let me know so that I knew he was safe.  But this is exactly why I broke up with him. I can’t go through the anxiety all day. And the rational part knows drunk KJ is a fuckboi.   The not coming home tells me he moved on. And the thought of kissing someone else makes me nauseous.

As I’ve mentioned in many earlier posts, Friday night was our night. Falling asleep, beard nuzzling my neck, hand on my boob.  Now I’m without him.  It’s almost like losing a phantom limb. I can feel something that’s not there. That something is him behind me with his arms wrapped around me.

I went to our bar the other night.  All our friends were there.  Who gets custody of the bar? Who gets custody of B and W, our best couple friends who we are supposed to be going on a trip with in two weeks? (Which reminds me, have to get deposit back for that one.)

I have so much anger inside me. I’ve had so much going on and this is what finally is breaking me.  TY (the assault guy) was at the bar. He’s got more than a foot and at least 80 lbs on me but the anger from him assaulting me on top of what KJ just pulled made me not care.  PJ had to pull me back from attacking him. I was also going to drive home. It’s like suddenly, I just don’t care anymore.

I cared and I looked like a fool. Fuck that.

Here’s another absolutely perfect song.