“Choose the words that cut like a razor, and all I’ll say is Fire Away. Take your best shot, show me what you’ve got. Honey, I’m not afraid.”

The phone is not ringing constantly. I’m not getting any texts.  My heart hurts. I’ve had to rely on lots of introspection the past 48 hours and realize how much I liked being the savior, and how co-dependent both of us are. It’s been two weeks since my last post because I haven’t had time to breathe, So let me catch my followers up.

KJ is my boyfriend. We FINALLY were forced to confirm our relationship status in front of our friends who were tired of our denial that we are just fucking.  Actually, he called me his girlfriend. And I proceeded to get blackout drunk, and my friend told me that I looked like I was about to have a panic attack. In a weird twist, it was in that drunkenness that I knew he could overcome his own demon with alcohol. He cared about me enough to stop drinking and take care of me, to make sure I was safe since he’d never seen me drunk enough to be carried out of the bar.

KJ is my boyfriend and an alcoholic.  He’s recently hit rock bottom the past couple of weeks.  He’s also turned from alcoholic to raging alcoholic. One that lost his new job. One that got so insecure that he felt the need to be where I am all the time, or at least reachable every hour.  One that started insisting on going through my phone when he was drinking, (I said no), and started insisting I go through his.  And I was okay with this, because if he was with me, he was safe. And he’s the hottest guy I’ve ever been with so it made me feel good. (All his exes are trouble, but a lot hotter than I.) Then I wouldn’t hear from him some nights after we parted, and the first thing I would do was check the county jail shots.

KJ is my boyfriend, an alcoholic, and my best friend. I had a family emergency come up that required an 8 hour drive one way out of state.  The first thing he said is “I’m not letting you go through this alone Ellie. Let’s go.”  I told him I couldn’t deal with his addiction. He told me to give him a chance.  We hit the road, he had a beer to keep the shakes away but stayed sober. We sang at the top of our lungs. We played road trip games. I gave him a hand job going down the interstate. We talked about different things, nothing serious. He calls his mom, tells her he’s with his girl.  I tended to my family emergency, got back to the hotel room where he’d ordered in my favorite Italian food from a local spot.  He had about three beers (which is sober for him). We watched a movie. Made love about four times. Because of the minimal alcohol, he started withdrawing but it was okay.  We made love a couple of more times (completely sober) the next morning and began the long, heart wrenching drive home. I’d done research on alcoholics that were detoxing but I have never experienced it .  He started talking government conspiracy theories. Yelled at me (for the first time ever) that I needed to suck it up because I knew what I was getting into. I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time we got home.  He, however, agreed that he needed a long inpatient stay. We talked to a couple of addiction counselors and got advice. (Go figure, I was advised to let him buy alcohol until he got admitted, sudden cold turkey can cause death).

KJ is my boyfriend, my best friend, an alcoholic, and my heart.  We saw each other the next couple of nights. He warned me that he may push me away because he knows he will say things to hurt me while he’s in rehab. He also mentioned that if I cheat, he’d find out about it and he will honestly be worried about that.  He gathered my information a few days ago so I could be his contact person, and I haven’t heard from him since.  I know he’s there, I called the hospital. His mom has talked to him. But he hasn’t called me.   I’m trying not to overthink. Did he get sober and not want me anymore? Is he protecting me? Or the most likely scenario, he doesn’t have my phone number memorized.  (They take your phone immediately in the hospital). All I have is two missed calls from him right before he went in that I couldn’t answer because I was in a meeting.  The hospital says that he only gets one fifteen minute visit per week, but I need his “code” to see him, which I can’t get unless I talk to him.  I feel selfish for worrying about our relationship status. And happy at the same time that he’s doing this for himself, but also partly for me.

But I”m terrified. I’ve stuck it out this long and will continue, and am sure the next thirty days will become my new normal. Until then, all I can do is keep busy.

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