This day is full of surprises. First of all, big shout out to CS. Who would’ve thought that after all that, he would be the guy friend I vent to about KJ? Second, I discovered that I’ve been in denial. I’ve been able to talk to CS without any of the hurt surfacing. That is one of the things that proves to me what I’ve been pushing away. I’ve got feelings for KJ. Just in time to get over him. Because he’s toxic for me. And a leopard doesn’t change his spots. And a tiger can’t change his stripes. And Walruses still have big dicks. (Nothing to do with KJ, just a fun and random fact.)
I completely acted like I was in high school yesterday. I saw KJ flirting with a co-worker (that he claimed he fucked to another co-worker but I think that’s talking shit, she wouldn’t give him the time of day for that tho), and I lost my shit. He also couldn’t remember that he fucked me on Monday, which a guy friend told me I need to get over, that when you’re having sex with someone almost every damn day, the days run together. I shut him out all night at work. (CS used to tell me that shutting down was my biggest problem. Ironically, it didn’t hit me until we broke up and I’m with someone else that I realized he’s right).
KJ came in to our bar a little late and I decided to be friendly but he looked at me and said “I’m not in the mood for this bullshit Ellie.” I bought him a beer (a good one, we ain’t talking PBR tallboys), and he complained that it was the wrong size. I bought him a shot and told him to chill and have a good time. He told me he didn’t want to deal with me. So I did the immature thing and sought attention elsewhere.
TY is someone I’ve met a few times at our afterwork bar. Stanford graduate. Tall, smart, handsome, funny, successful. I was talking to him before KJ got there. But when KJ ignored me, I did the immature thing and went into full flirt mode. KJ, already angry, slammed down his beer and left. I had a pseudo hookup with TY out of anger.
I’ve regressed from partying like a college girl to playing high school games. KJ brings out the worst in me. He never grew up. I can see my mistakes, I own my mistakes, and I know that this person I”m becoming isn’t me. I have to start working on myself. And that means letting KJ go. If only I didn’t have to see him at work. As CS told me, I knew better than to shit where I eat. (Hey, that’s kinda literal since I work in the restaurant biz.)