“You put on quite a show, really had me going…… but it’s over now, go ahead and take a bow”

You’re relaxing in the bath trying to ease the body aches that has come from running a high fever and wracking coughs from spending your entire Christmas holiday from a bad bout of pneumonia. The phone rings and you see your guy’s name pop up  and you smile. You answer, because that voice, is the one that got you every time. Then you hear the words ” I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” And he gives you the bullshit excuses, which may have a little validity but in reality, you see through it. Fast forward until the next morning and you have to ask the fateful question “Is there someone else?”, and you get the reply that you knew was coming but it hits you like a dagger “there is.” So you do a vodka shot at 10 AM. And then another.

Did we fight? Yes, too much.  I thought I could fall. In reality, I fell for the words. The fact that he wanted to wait to have sex so I couldn’t say it was just another Tinder hookup.  The fact that he asked me to be his girl on our second date. The fact that he wanted to see pictures of the kids and meet my friends. The fact that I opened up more than I ever had anyone.  He reached me.  Hit me at an area of vulnerability from being used so much.  When it’s too good to be true, it often is.

I think he thought it was real for a time. Until the newness wore off. We were together a short time but the amount of intimacy between us made it a lot longer. Now I’m not necessarily broken hearted but feeling used and rejected while he’s not thinking about me due to upgrading to Ellie 2.0.  And I wonder how long I’ve been a fool, waiting for a text back when he’s been with her.

CS told me he wanted a break because he wasn’t sure he never wanted to see me again. Which puts me at the mercy of him. Yet again. Because what is broken in me that he sees that he thinks I can be on a break with him, waiting around to decide if he likes this other girl better? Luckily, I can look at the narcissistic traits now. How he bragged to my friends about his great credit score and money. Or most recently what a big dick he has. He likes the attention. And he had me to give it to him. And I fell for it.   Because my self-esteem was that damaged.

Now it’s moving on to not waiting for the every morning phone call.  To not waiting on the pics saying “you’re my girl.”  To accepting that the huge hug you liked being wrapped up in came from the guy who was the coldest one yet. Being used emotionally is so much worse than physically.  And he got off on that. I wish I could take back what I’ve shared. Because with all previous Tinder hookups, I’ve gotten good stories and never actually had true regrets.

CS would see this post and say “I was right, she was in too deep.”, when really that’s not what it is. You don’t have to be in deep with someone for rejection to hurt.   So no CS, I can cry not because I was in love with you (fuck, I don’t even know you), but because the happiness you gave me in the moment is gone. And for a brief time, I thought someone looked at me as someone they’d never get upgrade-itis for. I felt special.  And you proved that I wasn’t.   So as Rihanna said, I’d say to you CS “the award for the best lines go to you.”

So here it is, Ellie’s first heartbreak post.

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