As we know, I center my blog around music. I scroll through YouTube and listen to lyrics to find the perfect fit for how I’m feeling as I write. I’ve now discovered that when it comes to heartbreak, unrequited love, or complicated relationships, there’s a whole litany of choices. But I found THE perfect one. So proud of myself. Never has a song described anything so perfectly. (And here I was thinking Ed Sheerhan or Adele would do it.) So thanks Selena Gomez.
CS and I are in a complicated situation. We’re not really friends, or friends with benefits (we’ve had sex a total of once in almost three months) and can’t be in a traditional relationship. I guess this is the new term situationship. And it’s hard. No way, no how do you EVER fall in love with someone you’re in a situationship with. But I could. And even worse, I told him. (Well, I told him I WOULD fall in love with him before the situationship was over ) To steal from Michael Scott (the Office) who stole from Wayne Gretzky (I know he was a great hockey player but I’m a southern girl so that’s really all I can say about that), “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.” Don’t apply that in a situationship. Miss the shot. On purpose. Because if not, you’re going to wind up feeling like that puck full on hit you on the face.
CS mentioned to me today that in the beginning, I was fine with things. He’s right. I was. I’m still fine knowing that our situationship is a day to day thing and as he says “we’re not going to ride off in the sunset together”. But even though no future is desired or expected, I did want things a little more relationship-y than a situationship could ever have. The good morning text. The good night text. The ten minutes to talk when I feel like my life is falling apart. But we do talk on the phone almost every weekday. And share things that a situationship wouldn’t normally. He says I’m his girl. That he’s my guy. I didn’t think I’d ever connect with someone again on this level both mentally and physically. And I’m in a panic mode. Because I took the shot. And in my head, I let us get relationship like. And I was shown that in his head it is situationship instead. He kept it where it always has been. Where it is going to stay. Now I’m embarrassed, and running.
That’s the thing about whirlwind romances. It’s exciting. It’s intoxicating. It’s a high. It’s a quick connection. And then you fall. Without having the time to catch your breath to see if you can handle it. Then you start to argue because you haven’t gotten used to how things are going to be. And the more you argue, the more the passion seems to be your norm. Until you realize you’re not having the fun that the situationship was set out to be. Is simply living like there’s no tomorrow going to work? When the thought of never kissing that person again makes your heart break. When there’s no future, how do you determine if it’s worth saving? Because the heart truly does want what it wants, and I want nothing more to see this through until it’s natural end. I just don’t know how.