Ah…. Memorial Day weekend. First official day where I feel summer in the air. This would also be my last summer in my thirties. The big 4-O was a coming….. what the fuck? How did I get here? I have to commemorate this last summer before the transition from MILF into Cougar. Luckily for me, I swiped right and BOOM-I had a match. He was a 32 year old videographer who also dabbed in professional photography. A date was set. A boudoir photo shoot. YAAAASSSSSSS……….. I packed a bag full of thigh high boots and lacy lingerie. My friend Tandy came in and did my hair and makeup. I was prepared. I was going to meet a perfect stranger at a hotel and let him take half-naked pics of me. Gosh darn I’m so smart.
He comes in the hotel room with all professional equipment. I come in with three bottles of booze and my slut wear. He poses me. I think I’m looking like a playboy model but chances are I’m looking like one of those Facebook memes that shame people.
Somehow we end up on the bed (you never saw that coming did you dear reader) where he informs me he does not have sex on the first date but we certainly would once he delivered the pictures and I informed him that this was not a date.
Buzz, buzz–his phone vibrates. “Oh shit, my mom had a heart attack and a car accident and I’ve got to go.” Wow, I should have taken this as an omen to get out of online dating. My first thought is what kind of person uses this as an excuse? My next thought is what if his mom dies and he will never again be able to receive oral sex because it will always remind him of what he was doing when his mom died?
How did this story end? I never received my pictures but I never saw them posted online anywhere so that is always a positive. He ignored my texts and requests for pics for weeks before I finally gave up. Three months after, I received an apology text from him saying that his mom really did die and an offer to redo the pics.
My advice? Stay clothed and always make them pay for the hotel room.